Kickin' Me When I'm Down
I was all set to write something, but I just don't have the heart.
The boss doesn't have any work for me as yet, so I could literally spend all day tomorrow sitting waiting for a phone call that never comes, and the TV in the bedroom has just gone and packed up so I can't even sit and watch Transformers while I drift off to sleep.
I know it doesn't sound like much, but all I can see is the start of another downward spiral, and I really don't think I can take another one of those.
Not As Easy As It Used To Be
And once again I'm back from a trip to the doctors, this time with an even cleaner bill of health, if that's possible. There was some mucking about getting the ECG done, but what it all boils down to is that I am beyond fine, I am almost perfectly healthy in every way that was measured. Which is really nice; I've always worried that years of laziness and poor diet have taken a terrible toll on me, but I guess they haven't. Which isn't to say yay for laziness and poor diet, but it is testament to how incredibly robust the human body can be (even if they do break like wet tissue paper in a highly contradictory manner).
For Valentine's Day I got the complete Sweeney Todd soundtrack (which I've listened to most of the day) and some lovely Aramis body spray. I've not had Aramis since I worked in the place where they made the stuff all those years ago, and I'd forgotten how much I liked the stuff! I must've been dead asleep (again!) 'cos I hadn't even noticed Shaz had gone to work and presents had appeared on the bed!
Still, only one more day of such laziness now, I've been signed off till Monday until the cough clears up all the way, and then back to whatever work remains. In the meantime, due to yesterdays excitement about the imminent release of Mass Effect, been lured back to BioWare's last RPG project, Jade Empire. I'd forgotten how absolutely stunning that game is, it effortlessly whiled away most of the afternoon and evening without me even noticing! I have GOT to get a better job so I can spend more time gaming!
I Just Want To Say Pred-Alien Again
One thing I notice about PC gaming, and probably gaming in general, is how cyclical it is, or at least how cyclical my interest in it is. For the best part of a year now, with one or two honourable exceptions, there's been nothing on the PC that's really caught my attention, and then all of a sudden it's back and with a vengeance! So aside from the continual love for World of Warcraft, wishing I had enough time to set aside for Lord of the Rings Online, now we learn that Mass Effect is coming our way! And sooner than you'd think too, in just a few short months time! Which is awesome news, except that I fear Mass Effect will make my ageing PC go into shock. On top of that Bioware (ah, lovely Bioware) are making anothe KoTOR game! Oddly I went looking for my PC copy of the original not that long ago, and couldn't find it anywhere. I concluded that I must've sold it once I got it on Xbox. Too many RPGs, too little time! Not that I've finished Jade Empire, and it's been so long since I've played that I almost feel like I should go back to the beginning...
Hmm, what else?
Honestly, today has been kinda disappointing. I expected to have a really good day today, with nothing in particular to do or worry about, and yet it's just been a horrible old damp squib of a day. Although I enjoyed watching the new AvP movie this afternoon, for all that it is undoubtedly rubbish. It had decent effects though, good monsters, and lots of gory deaths, so I was more than happy. If you have to be critical then you'll be pointing at the fact that it's rubbish, and also the strange changes to the aliens reproductive cycle first seen in the original AvP (ie the twenty minute gestation period, although you could argue that away by suggesting the predators selectively bred them to have this trait to make the trials harder) continue with a moment where you will undoubtedly say both "yuck" and "the pred-alien can do what now?". Let's just say there's lots of babies about, but nobody is bothering with all that trouble with eggs and face huggers anymore. Still, in the film makers defence they really go for it (I knew I was gonna enjoy it when they refused to spare the kid in the opening few minutes, always a good sign) and the aforementioned "yuck" bit finds a whole new use for a maternity ward full of soon to be VERY expectant mothers. So yeah, a good time. Although you'd think a predator would know better than to use a plasma weapon aboard a spaceship!
More Tests. Woo!
Well I had my second lot of tests today, and they went okay. The nurse I had nattered on for ages about things though, so we didn't have time to do my ECG and I have to go back again for that before the appointment with the doctor on Thursday. Despite that I was pleased though, because besides the obvious problem of my being overweight, I'm actually in decent health; my blood tests are okay, my pressure is normal, my lungs work normally... I'm just carrying some extra weight. It's weird because about this time last year the weight was all they were worried about (along with the sacred BMI chart and I think we all know how I feel about
that!), but there has apparently been a change within the medical community and they accept that you can be healthy just heavy. She even said I was a large person and being skinny wouldn't suit me! It was probably all of this chat which took up the appointment, although she said the ECG wasn't actually on the list of requested tests (even though I'm fairly sure it was). Anyway, that's that done, at least until Thursday when I have to go back again!
Hopefully Shaz is at the police station giving them the copies of my documents that needed to be handed in. At the accident scene I had to nominate a police station to take the documents to, and as I only know of one station in Peterborough I picked that, not knowing that the doctor would ban me from driving for a week and it'd be next door to impossible for me to get there! So she's kindly agreed to do yet another errand for me whilst I'm grounded. She hasn't phoned yet to say there's a problem, which is oddly what I'm expecting although for the life of me I couldn't tell you why; I'd far prefer a phone call or text to let me know it's all done and I don't have to worry about that any more. Funny how I still automatically expect everything to go wrong, although maybe not THAT funny given how the past week has been!
Although I had a mini-freak out yesterday about the job, I've been surprisingly calm today. I guess that's what comes from being signed off and from basically still having a job, even if it'll be vastly different when I get back to it. Thing is what I'll be going back to just doesn't sound right; longer hours (if that's possible) but more irregularly, and a lower rate of pay. Somehow that doesn't sound right to me at all. Shaz has already pointed out that I've got the experience as a driver now to start looking around at more, shall we say, professional companies, and she's not wrong. I could be earning a decent enough wage and not doing crazy hours to boot, which would be nice given that I have plans to actually try and have some sort of life this year. I don't think that's asking much, do you?
Smile You Son Of A BITCH
And the shit just keeps on coming.
Last night I got my first decent nights sleep since the accident, and was of course woken by the boss, telling me he needed to come round and talk to me. This is never good. Turns out that, entirely unrelated to my escapades last week, we've lost the contract for the job I was doing, and in fact all the other contracts that particular person was providing. That was about half the work he had. Now it's not at the "so I'm gonna have to let you go" stage yet, but the question is just how much longer can he keep going? And more importantly, if I'm gonna be working potentially longer hours for less money, how much longer can I keep going? I was happy with the amount of work I was doing for the wage I was earning, but as that is now gone, what'm I gonna be left with? He says I'll get a months notice, but you have to ask yourself how much good a weeks notice is if the work's dried up? I gotta admit that was very nearly the last straw after this past week; I don't think I can cope with being unemployed again, there's just been too much failure for one life time.
Maybe it's time to move on, jump before I get pushed, I've never been very good at that, but now may be the time to learn the lesson. I can always look for another, more orderly, driving job, whilst I think about a career. The career I've always looked to for one reason or another, and always turned away from; teaching. Whether they'd even let me teach is entirely open to debate, but I think I may actually be at a point in my life where it doesn't seem like a terrible idea. I think I've always rebelled from it before because I was unhappy about one thing or another and wondered what the hell I could teach anybody, but now, well like a lot of things I'm rethinking as I approach my fortieth birthday, and maybe I have sufficient experience of life now that I may be of value. I don't know if that makes any sense, but these past few years have been difficult for a lot of reasons, but also good; I've had a bit more of a normal life, with friends and stuff, we've run our own business... just seems more has happened in the past two years than did in the twenty before that. Maybe I'm grown up enough now to actually settle to something like that, to work toward the long goal rather than always wanting everything NOW!
No, I still want everything now, especially this cool
Dante action figure I found on t'internet. Look how many cool poses you can put him in! And other things that you can't describe without using the word cool. 'Cos he's Dante and that's what he is: cool! I intend to drop some heavy hints to people if they haven't decided what to get me for Valentine's Day yet, (this blog being one such hint, subtle eh?) and leaving the retailers web page open. That should do the trick. If that doesn't work I'll clearly just have to buy one myself.
I found out this morning that Roy Scheider had died. That was depressing too; as a kid (or not an ACTUAL kid, but when I was younger) Roy's was always one of the names that would make me think "this'll be a good movie" and I don't think I was ever disappointed. I'm sure like everybody else he made his share of crap, but if all he'd ever done was play Chief Brody in Jaws, that would be more than enough. As it was I kinda discovered him at that impressionable age when I was really starting to get into movies, and I musta seen Jaws, Marathon Man, 2010 and Blue Thunder all within a few months of each other. Looking back now I'm not gonna claim Blue Thunder to be a seminal work or anything, but as a fourteen year old boy it was fucking cool. So, yeah, Roy Scheider, rest in peace.
Still Crazy After All These Years
The crazy didn't stop there!
Well, it did for Friday.
Saturday was our first Saturday without the stall, but we'd decided to invite our loyal customers out for a sort of final celebration drink, which we did and that was a nice way to spend the afternoon. Before that however I'd decided I was gonna nip off and do a little shopping, and it was really the first time I'd been out in a busy place since the accident. I don't know what it was, whether it was the noise, the movement, the traffic, I have no idea, but I freaked out pretty damn quickly and ended up sitting as far away from the shoppers and traffic as I could, tears streaming down my face. Hopefully that's the end of the crazy, 'cos it's a little incovenient and more than a little embarrasing. Still I pulled myself together in time for our farewell drinks thing, so that was good.
We watched Atonement in the evening, which was very good. Admittedly I drifted off a bit after the Dunkirk scene, but I was back for the end and I was left with the odd feeling that I somehow hadn't missed anything vital. Still, thought it was a good film, if not the earth shattering experience the ecstatic reviews had lead me to expect.
The Cruelty Of Men Is As Wondrous As Peru
I had my first lot of tests today, blood tests. We got to the hospital super early, only to have to wait until haematology actually opened! Then the nurse couldn't find a vein and I got prodded and poked around for a bit before blood was actually spilt. Then Shaz brought me home again and I was left to my own devices.
This is not good.
My mind wanders back to the accident, back to the peculiar feeling of semi-conciousness I had when it was happening, and back to the constant thought of what COULD have been. No matter how much I know I was lucky and no-one was hurt, for some reason I cannot leave it alone and I think about what could have happened, people who could've been hurt or killed and how on earth I would live with that. That's not what happened, but like I said, I just can't escape it's pull.
I filled my time with watching movies; Sweeney Todd (which instantly catapulted itself into my top ten of all time), The Kingdom (also bloody excellent but not top ten worthy) and the stage version of Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds. Now I didn't even know there had been such a stage show until last night (and believe me, I was plenty annoyed that I didn't know about it), so sitting down to watch it was massively exciting. And it was awesome (assuming you like Jeff Wayne's concept album treatment of War of the Worlds, which you do or you're a freak), completely enjoyable and yet I found myself in tears for almost the whole thing. It was in no way related to the show, it was just... there, almost as though the nostalgia was a cathartic excuse to release some of the crazy emotions that are racing around my system.
It's been a weird week.
Recipe For Disaster
Well fuck.
Things were going so well; I was back at work, making decent money, things were looking up.
Then this happened:
That's my van on Aldenham Street after being recovered by the firebrigade. What happened is too stupid to be believe, but is already having serious consequences. Okay, essentially I had a coughing fit as I was driving, what I now know is called coughing syncopy, and had a near black out. Next thing I know I'm in the van, but the van is at a funny angle and smashed through two sets of iron railing, dangling a wheel over a drop down to a basement flat. First thing I did was check that nobody was hurt, which they weren't, and then I was surrounded by St Johns Ambulance guys 'cos I'd crashed right opposite their training centre. Then there were policemen, and two fire crews and an ambulance. And I told the same story over and over, feeling increasingly stupid every time I did. Luckily, almost verging on the miraculously considering how busy that street normally is, it was all but deserted at the time and nobody was hurt. Once I'd given my statement and been checked over by the paramedics it was time to watch the van being removed from the side of the road, and then everybody just went about their normal business while I sat and waited for the recovery vehicle to come and collect the van and Shaz to come and collect me. The recovery man was easy, Shaz however... She'd set off heroically, and without much of a plan, trying to find an obscure side street in south Camden Town. She ended up by London International Airport about to accidentally board the Walthemstowe ferry. She did find me eventually, but only after I'd stood outside in the freezing cold for three hours, with only my hoody to keep me warm (which it didn't do all that well, which can't have helped my cough really). We eventually got home and I slept.
Today I went to see the doctor. I thought well the cough thing was a bit scary, better see if they can fix that. Sadly that spiralled out of control almost immediately. As I had a near blackout behind the wheel, I've been banned from driving for a week (after I talked him down from a month), and am having a battery of tests over the next few days to demonstrate that, this one coughing syncopy aside, I am perfectly fit and healthy to drive and don't have to have my licence taken away. In all honestly, I felt selfish and guilty arguing that the ban should be shorter, I could've killed somebody! Hell if I'd been half an hour later I'd have ploughed through all the little kids coming home from school, and I don't know how you live with that sort of thing on your conscience. On top of that I'm letting my long suffering boss down AGAIN, and making things difficult for everybody all round. I doubt I'll even enjoy having a week off! Why the hell can't things just go okay for a week? Is that too much to ask? Or is it just me? Am I one of lifes natural failures and this is how things will always inevitably be?
Which bring us back to where we started.
Fuck.
Ol' Man River
I think perhaps that if I ever tire of the beauty of the natural world that might be the time to give up on this whole stupid planet. I'm frequently annoyed, or disappointed or just generally fed up with Life, but at least once a day I'll have a moment where the natural beauty of the world makes everything okay. Todays moment came when I was on my way home, driving into a clear blue sky but with rain clouds off to my left. The sun was nestling in the rain clouds, seemingly illuminating them from within, and shooting rays of glorious sunshine between the drizzly grey of the clouds themselves. I should've taken a photo, because I don't have the words to describe how wonderful it was.
There was other goodness too. Yesterday I found out that the long awaited Warhammer 40000 RPG (which was initially promised just before 40K was first released nearly twenty years ago) had finally been released! Only for the company that makes it to withdraw from the games business and so it seems the initial print run is to be the only print run. And they had none for sale. Hence unhappiness. However today, after I'd finished my run on Shaftsbury Avenue, I decided to quickly pop into Forbidden Planet and see if they had a copy. I considered this a long shot as they're really not a games retailer, but I didn't have any other options so I went for it. And SCORED! Not only did they have the game, but they were discounting it, so I got it for less than full price! I've only had a cursory flick through the pages so far, but what I've seen surely seems to be the stuff of happiness! On top of that I even had an early finish today!
It's not all good news though, in fact it seems to be mainly the opposite. After Shaz stayed at her grandparents last week they both seemed to improve quite a bit, but things have apparently deteriorated to an alarming degree over the weekend. She's over there now, doing whatever she can do. I fear the worst, but hope for the best; they're good people and I like them, which is a rarity in itself.
Reborn Not So Much
Yesterday was the day we closed the stall. We'd been talking, possibly even arguing, about it for a while now, but when we got up yesterday morning Shaz decided enough was enough. We had a closing down sale and and then closed down. We still didn't take a huge amount of money, even though we were discounting quite heavily, which pretty much just goes to show what a bunch of penniless no hopers most of our target audience was. We've still got a lot of stuff yet, but we plan to start auctioning that off on e-Bay bit by bit once the dust has settled and we can see where we are. Despite that it was horrifyingly cold, there's still a feeling of sadness, a feeling that an era has passed. Which it clearly has, but it was an era of standing about outside on a Saturday when we could've been doing something else. Sure we made friends, we had fun, but I really doubt we made any money, over all. They'll miss us now we're gone!
I watched Shoot 'Em Up last night, and I still don't know what I think of it. I can see on an intellectual level that it's a parody, a send up, a Looney Toons world of cartoon violence. Or at least I can see that was what they were aiming for. I just don't know if I personally feel like they hit their target, hell I don't even know if I enjoyed the movie!
But then maybe yesterday wasn't the best day to be watching such things looking for enjoyment. Today I feel positively drained. For all that I have essentially done nothing I can barely keep my eyes open. In fact I'm just gonna go have a short snooze!
Freaky Friday
Thursday seems to have passed without incident, or at least as without incident as I can recall it to be. Today was fine too, even the early start isn't really as bad as I make it out to be (after all I get to have breakfast on Friday in the down time!) as the almost total lack of traffic makes the journey a doddle. The much heralded snow completely failed to arrive too, which was most pleasing.
So we come to the evening.
Shaz had a druid ritual to attend, and I was left to my own devices. I thought "film" as I so often do, and semi decided to go to the movies. But then didn't at the last minute for reasons I won't go into, and ended up passing the time by driving at high speed (or at least as high a speed as the nations laws will allow for). So yeah, I filled my alone time by doing almost exactly what I do all day anyway. It was weird though, I couldn't settle to anything, couldn't feel comfortable, and somehow driving seemed to calm all that, seemed to if not kill then at least anaesthetise the loneliness inside me. Well, stopping to look at the stars, that helped a lot too. I'm sure I've said it before, but looking at the stars has never given me the sense of inferiority so many others report, I've always felt immensely privileged to be able to see them, even though they haven't been placed there explicitly for my benefit.
I also got paid today. A more than decent amount, and I've spent most of the day thinking about what I'd like to buy myself as a treat/reward. No matter how hard or how much I think though, it's all just stuff and will ultimately do nothing to fill the hole inside me. Even the things that should, and to a certain extent do, really excite me are still just stuff.
Maybe there's just something wrong with ME that needs fixing.
