The Invincible John McClane (Sorry, Iron Man)
So I've finally seen Live Free or Die Hard, or Die Hard 4.0 as it seems to be called over here. There's a bitchy comment right there to be honest; if this is version 4.0, couldn't they at least have waited until say, 4.3, when they'd got the majority of the bugs out? Still, I guess that's what the "unrated directors cut" DVD is for, right?
I enjoyed it well enough, I can't deny that and I won't try to, but you remember what Die Hard was about? A real man, in the wrong place at the wrong time, doing his best to make things right? A guy who made mistakes, got hurt, and only did crazy things when there was no other choice. It was a total revolt against all the action stars of the 80s, the guys who could, and did, do anything for the next BIG BAD STUNT sequence, and did it without fear or injury. Die Hard destroyed all that, and yet here we are, 20 years later building it all back up again. I suppose that is only right and proper in a way, what was fresh and original then is the cliche now, so Die Hard has to go the other way, but still, it just doesn't sit right. John McClane is like the Terminator now, he just can't be stopped! Sure he get's banged up a little (at least superficially), but that doesn't stop him jumping off crashing aircraft and simply getting up and walking away. Still, as big, dumb (and oh boy, this one is dumb) action movies go, it was oddly enjoyable and very satisfying, even if it did feel like it was immitating a Die Hard movie, rather than being one.
The Iron Man Comic Con footage is finally online in all it's blurry glory (why won't they just release this stuff in glorious HD Quicktime eh?), and I know it's wrong to get all excited about a project so far from completion, but BLOODY HELL THAT LOOKS AMAZING! And it was roughly (and remember, this is just an estimate) 40,000 times cooler than the Dark Knight teaser that was released this weekend.
And now here we are in our holiday week. I didn't remember to turn my alarm clock off until quarter past five this morning, which was lucky as it prevented a rude awakening. As I was walking about doing stuff, Archie (obviously) assumed it was time to get up, and was bitterly disappointed when I turned round and got back into bed, without either letting him outside or giving him his breakfast. I know we've got a few little things planned for the week, but I hope we can both just relax and enjoy ourselves, regardless of the situation. We'll have plenty of time to fret about that once the holiday is over...
Saturday Night, Sunday Morning
Even the day after the Marvel panel at Comic-Con there's no stolen/leaked/official Iron Man footage online. I can only imagine that there's been a massive increase in security this year, either that or con goers are getting really lazy...
Yesterday on the stall was... well it just was really. It was a lovely sunny day, just after pay day, and yet we had remarkably few visitors, even from amongst our regular crowd. Luckily (well, not really luckily, we'd been working on her for weeks) we had one pretty big sale in the morning, so it was another reasonable but not great day. I'm starting to wonder if all the people who say they love the stall and appreciate it being there understand that they need to BUY stuff every now and then, or the whole thing will just fall apart...
Saturday evening was kinda fun; we pottered about and did stuff, then came home and I watched a vaguely disappointing documentary on British thrillers (which I'd been looking forward to all week!). It didn't seem to offer any real insight though, there was little about the creative process, the social mores of the time that produced these particular movies, and there was no real through arc to the whole thing. It was pretty much a chronological catalogue of movies, with the occasional talking head saying "wow, isn't that a great movie?". I don't even remember if I watched the end... I know I was deeply annoyed by their desire to spoil each and every one of these films. I'm sure it's possible to, for instance, discuss the Long Good Friday without actually spoiling the end, just by saying it has a killer ending! Equally you could argue that the movie is 25 years old now and if you were gonna see it you would have by now, but I remember seeing that movie for the first time and NOT knowing what was going on, and the ending was immensely powerful as a result. To have somebody just come up to you and spoil it like that just seems... well, wasteful.
And now it's Sunday morning, the first real morning of what was to be our little holiday. I hope that even with the events of the past week, we'll still be able to have a bit of fun, 'cos that'd be nice, to just relax and footle about for a bit.
Return Of The Jedi
Today was the day I assembled my appeal against my dismissal. It's been on my mind a lot over the past couple of days, and I hardly slept at all last night as (bizarrely) quite a lot of it came to me in a semi-dream state that seemed to sort everything into a useful order. It was good though, really good. Once I'd typed it all up, and proof read it, it stood at two pages of A4 which didn't just whine that I thought things were a bit unfair, it used their own rules to utterly demolish their argument, taking it to bit piece by piece until there was nothing left. I was thorough, quoting the employee handbook and their own correspondence with me, and as you've probably gathered by now, I was really impressed with my work!
Sadly I doubt it will make a difference. Although the appeals process exists for a reason (probably 'cos it looks good), I don't honestly think they're going to overturn the decision, no matter how brilliant my counter arguments are; I can't see them allowing me back in knowing that they tried to fire me, and failed because I'm smarter than they are. Still, it'd be nice to get the job back, if only for the short term, 'cos it would solve the whole "paying the bills" crisis.
The rest of the day just seems to have evaporated into a lot of little things I've had to do, mainly laundry. I was supposed to clean the bathroom and have still yet to get round to it.
Oddly I've had 80s one hit wonders in my head all day since I woke up (currently it's The Look and their infectious/irritating hit "I Am The Beat"), which is slightly worrying (although the fact that even though I was thinking about it this morning, and I can't remember what the earlier tunes were, is even MORE disturbing. Then you have to worry about how much not just of what is occurring now is hallucination, but how much of your memory is too, and once you go there then your whole life, experience and personality are just in the wind...). How is it that my brain is playing back themed hallucinations? I had another disturbing thought last night, about the function of my brain and the overall nature of reality, something which in a true Lovecraftian tradition was simply too horrifying to contemplate, although I had meant to come back to it in the light of day and give it a good ponder (cos these things are always safer with the lights on). Sadly I can't remember what it was, only the feeling of opening an abyss in my soul when it first occured to me. Must've been really good, mustn't it?
With Comic Con going on (as it is. Once upon a not too long ago it was my greatest desire in life to attend this event) many future genre films are attempting to garner a little favourable publicity for themselves. I cannot, however, be the only one who could care less about JJ Abrams attempts to relaunch the Star Trek franchise, surely? I mean, he took the most predictable and frankly boring approach he could've (yeah, he's doing young Kirk and Spock adventures) and... well I don't really have an "and", and to be honest I don't think I need one. I just know that as of right this moment, I don't care about this movie, and I'll take some serious persuading (which I seem to recall saying about King Kong and Transformers, and we all know how they turned out. Be prepared to see me rave uncontrollably about how great the new 'Trek movie is in about a years time...). So it really bugs me that all the movie sites seem to be covering this press conference in ridiculous detail, and also getting stupidly excited about the Cloverfield project. WHY?? The man is at best a mediocre writer, and although his set-ups can be damn good (maybe even too good) his follow through just isn't there (witness Alias, Lost, Mission Impossible III) and I can almost guarantee you right now, that no matter what the movie is, what the set-up, the third act is going to be a pile of shite and you'll be left thinking it wasn't a patch on The Host (assuming you've had the good sense to see that). There's one movie I want to know more about right now, just one, and it's Iron Man! I KNOW they screened early footage yesterday, I read the description and it sounds amazing, but somehow the internet is letting me down I can't find it anywhere! Help me! I just want to see some footage from the Iron Man movie dammit! Is that so much to ask?
Incidentally, I'm reading some of Marvel's recent Civil War now, and Iron Man is being a dick. It's a very cool story indeed and I'm excited to see how it turns out...
Failure Isn't An Option, It's A Lifestyle
Today seems far less rosie and positive than yesterday did. The hunt for jobs has been less successful, and the one I REALLY, REALLY want to do out of today's job pages is the one I have absolutely no chance of getting. Not that that's gonna stop me applying, but I really doubt my application will receive a second glance.
I went and sat downstairs to have a bit of a break and a cup of tea, and Archie came over and curled up next to me. When he looked at me with his happy, trusting eyes I felt like such a fraud, such a failure. Doesn't matter how much he loves and trusts me, I'm a failure, and pretty soon I won't be able to buy cat food for him, or keep the roof over his head. But he doesn't know that, he just curls up next to me and purrs and wants me to rub his little cotton wool tummy for him. His innocent faith and trust should cheer me up, I know, but it doesn't, it just makes me feel worse for letting down people who have such apparent confidence in me.
Even as I'm writing this he's come trundling upstairs to sit next to me on the windowsill. Maybe he knows I'm depressed, knows how I'm feeling, knows what I'm writing, and he's trying to prove to me that I'm wrong.
End Of An Error
Here's the short version; they fired me.
The longer version is that the way they went about it was remarkably creative, and clearly orchestrated. In fact I was almost impressed with the case that was constructed (essentially that I was failing to do my job because I was writing personal emails WHILST on calls!), because it was so staggeringly unexpected, and of course, utterly impossible to refute (as you cannot logically prove a negative proposition). I shall of course be protesting the decision, 'cos it is UTTER bollocks, but that's the end of that.
As it was Shaz had taken the day off, and it was, as predicted, a lovely sunny day, so we spent a bit of time getting some business related stuff sorted out, did a few jobs in town, and then went down to the pub near work for my post-firing celebration. A surprising number of people showed up, which was nice, and after more than a few drinks we went to Ferry Meadows, ate chips, and ended up playing in the childrens playground until it was time to go home. When I got home I even saw the trailer for the new Wes Anderson movie (The Darjeeling Limited), which looks as lovely and quirky as you'd expect, although I was slightly outraged to discover that some people, thought that The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou was merely tolerable, rather than the delightful, life affirming work that it clearly is. Takes all sorts, I suppose. Still, even having started the day by getting fired, it's hard to argue that it was anything other than a good day.
Today has been straight back to the business at hand, and I've got a good half-dozen applications out, one of which has already garnered a response and should land me an interview on Friday! So that is also good.
Mood is affected quite disproportionately by the music you're listening to isn't it? I mean it's incredibly hard to remain chirpy and upbeat whilst listening to Slipknots cheery ditty "People Equal Shit", and yet that very same song would doubtless prove incredibly useful to have on your iPod if you were in the process of, for example, blowing up your former employers place of business (not that I would ever countenance such a thing).
What? I was just saying, that's all.
The Haunter Of The Dark
My last call today, and possibly my last call at Diligenta ever, was an annoying prat. Most of the day had been okay, although not terribly busy, but that last one of the day was just irritating. The bloke had had this policy for years and clearly never bothered to do anything at all with it over the past 30-odd years, and now wanted to know everything about it he'd never bothered to ask before. Which would normally be fine, except he called at two minutes to five and just went over the same ground over and over again, never seeming to take in even one word that I said. Actually to say he was an annoying prat was really unfair, he was just your typical clueless policy holder who has no idea what he's bought or what he should do with it. No wonder so many policies were mis-sold in the 80s; it must've been like shooting fish in a barrel.
So yeah, that may be the end of that. Of course I shan't know for sure until early tomorrow, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see, but I took all MY things from my desk, so that I don't have to go back if that's how things are gonna be.
Not that I'm really keen to be fired, but there's a part of me that thinks this is far as this company is gonna take me, and that much as I'd like to think things will get better, they'll just get worse. Of course I do like being able to pay my bills and the like, so on the other hand if I'm going to leave I'd rather it be on my terms than theirs, but it's given me the push I need to get moving. So I suppose whilst I'd rather NOT be fired tomorrow, there'll be a part of me that is actually disappointed if I don't, 'cos I kinda have some plans for the week and they do not in any way involve being at Diligenta.
Enough of that though.
So I keep having this weird dream; in the dream I'm watching three versions of me, all of whom are missing something. I don't mean a limb or anything like that, I mean they're missing something spiritually. And in the dreams I observe them all as they go through their day looking for this missing something, this whatever that will make them whole, and the me that's watching them all knows that if they'd just meet then all their troubles will be over, but no matter how close to each other they get they never get meet and I can only watch, never guide or interfere. Then at the end of the day, they go back to the start and repeat the same fruitless actions over and over again, and all I can do is watch, all the while feeling their emptiness, confusion and despair, all the while knowing the solution, but not for one second being able to influence their actions. I've had this same dream for the past two or three nights now, which must mean something. In a lot of ways it's a very beautiful dream, but incredibly, heart breakingly sad.
I won't sleep much tonight, I know that. Be glad when this is all over.
Which it will be in just over fourteen hours...
The Hollow Man
This weekend has been hard work, 'cos try as I might I'm mainly just sitting here waiting for the hammer to fall and for me to be unemployed again. Although I'm sure in a very real way I won't be at all happy if that were to happen (after all, I have bills to pay!), the release and the reason to move on would probably be good. Not that it hasn't already been made clear to me that it's time to move on, the disciplinary is just a reminder that I shouldn't have been getting comfortable there anyway.
It's hard to talk about how I feel because, to be honest I don't really know myself; I almost feel empty, devoid of feelings of any kind, non-human. Talking at all is an effort, let alone talking about what's going on or what I'm feeling.
Yesterday on the stall was hard work too, I just felt so enclosed and cut off that it was difficult to talk to anybody at all, and then to have a certain few people being sympathetic and kind almost made it worse, as right now I don't feel especially worthy of kindness and consideration. Which is probably silly, but that's how it is.
After we got home we were both bloody tired, but Shaz had agreed to make a birthday cake for somebody and so we stayed up till nearly midnight getting that finished and watching most of Mars Attacks (which was on telly, and I hadn't seen it for ages, so why not?).
Today was more work on the cake, cleaning the house, and wanting to go out and find something to BUY that would make me happy, if only for a little. That's a completely ridiculous notion of course, happiness can't come from buying things, but even so I'd like to give it a try. Instead I've been reading Fortean Times (which I perhaps inconveniently decided to resubscribe to last month) and last months issue was (appropriately enough) a big 60 years of UFO-logy retrospective. I've not read it all yet (there's lots of words there!), but I find myself constantly amazed that apparently rational and clear thinking people honestly believe in the physical reality of UFOs as alien visitors from other worlds. Whilst I clearly don't have any belief that would preclude this, I think it far more likely that there is something psychological and sociological which produces things which percipients believe to be alien spacecraft. I wonder also at how easily the thin veneer of sophistication we believe we have is brushed off, and we're back being cave men amazed and mystified by fire (or anything else we don't understand).
For somebody with nothing to say, that's an awful lot of writing, eh?
Bumblebee, My Guardian
Why is it that the people who stay with you are the ones who are wankers, and not the nice ones? Early on this morning I had to deal with an IFA who I can only describe as a stupid bitch, and who stubbornly and steadfastly refused to listen to what I was telling her and just stuck with her own ridiculous preconceptions of what she was dealing with. After the fourth time of explaining to her what the situation was, she accused me of being rude. Not much of an accusation I suppose compared to what we have to deal with most days, but no matter how many other clients and IFAs have told me what a good job I've been doing today, the one who thought I was shit was the one that stayed with me.
Ah well.
To cheer me up last night, Shaz bought me a Bumblebee from Toys'R'Us. No ordinary Bumblebee here, although he doesn't transform, he does act as a speaker for mp3 players, records music and plays it back at random (in attempts to communicate, just like the movie!) and generally dances about and lights up and is cool! In fact he's sitting on my desk now, playing the Radio 4 news through his in built speaker (and I suspect, randomly recording bits of it for later use).
I'd like to say that there's more going on in my life right now than the slow motion car crash that is my job, but there really isn't. Until the disciplinary is over (one way or the other) then it's always gonna be on my mind. Hell, even when I'm asleep I can't escape it; I haven't had a decent nights sleep since this all started (admittedly only two nights ago, but even so) but my brain just will not rest! Maybe tonight, eh? Maybe tonight...
Not Welcome In The House Of Pensions
There's a moment in Constantine, towards the end when it looks like everything is (quite literally) going to hell when John looks upwards and says "
... I know I'm not one of your favorites... I'm not even allowed in your house these days... but I could use a little attention..." and that's pretty much how I've felt all day.
I went back into work, and although I didn't go with much enthusiasm I really didn't expect to feel as uncomfortable and frequently angry as I did. Oddly enough though I was a good boy, didn't slack off or take it out on policy holders (or IFAs!) and I did my indexing and... after a bit I just wondered why, why was I doing that? Would anybody care if I was taking the piss with personal time? I don't know, but then I guess I my actions over the next couple of days will say a lot about whether I want to keep my job come Tuesday. Or maybe it's just me being a fool when there's no chance... I don't know, but then I guess (or at least I hope) I'm the sort of person who HAS to do whatever he's doing to the best of his abilities, or not at all. Well whatever, I was there, I did the job and I didn't get up and walk out no matter how often I felt like it. Maybe that'll count for something next week, and maybe it won't. Only time will tell, as the cliche goes.
That's it really, that's been my day. At least so far, it really shouldn't dominate my every waking hour, but right now, with the extra uncertainty and this hanging over me like the sword of Damocles it's hard to think of anything but. I'll say one thing for this company; they really are a bunch of bastards.
Makes me wonder why it is I want to stay really...
Just Because You're Paranoid...
Remember how I foolishly said that I was feeling comfortable and happy at work? Well they sure as hell put a stop to that!
Yesterday was all meetings, one after the other, reviewing this and that and the other until, at five to five, I was taken into a room and told that I was to be given a disciplinary hearing next Tuesday! I was more than a little annoyed about that (think Hulk like rage), as I think I've made it more than clear over the past few months that I think I've done everything and more that the company could reasonably (and very often unreasonably) ask of me. I left work early, and wasn't really sure if I was gonna come back.
We talked it over, tried to find out the legal position and so on, but constantly came up empty. I didn't sleep last night, constantly haunted by the idea of going back. Why would I do that to myself? How would I behave? Is there anything I could or should do differently? I didn't know, but going back in the mood I was in would not be at all productive, in fact it would've been positively destructive (if you can be positively destructive). Luckily I had a late start, so I scouted about for a few jobs, called a few agencies and before I knew it had a mornings worth of interviews to attend. So I called in and told them that, and took the day off as a days holiday!
To tell the truth I think it was the best thing all round. I needed to not be in that place today, I really did, but I also needed some reassurance that I was still employable. I have no idea what will happen at the hearing next week, maybe I'll be out of a job by 11am, maybe not (I actually doubt I'll be dismissed, but then I doubted it'd go this far so who am I to judge?), but at least I know now that I can and will still be taken seriously by employers and that I haven't somehow rendered myself unemployable. On top of that getting to loaf about for the afternoon was very relaxing!
I can't say that I'm happy about the position that I'm in, I can't say that at all, and in a lot of ways I'm not particularly looking forward to going back, but on the other hand it's only three (working) days until the hearing, so that's not too bad. And on the plus side I am apparently the subject of much gossip and not a little outrage from colleagues, so there is some fun to be had when I go back tomorrow...
R'lyeh Rising
Another weekend, another Saturday. I don't know why but I went to bed feeling really sad and low last night, and the mood hadn't improved any by the morning. As such I really didn't fancy another day on the market, largely 'cos I really have no purpose there beyond fetching ice cream and putting money in the meter at the car park. Other than that I just sort of stand around and occasionally make small talk with people, and when you're feeling sad and isolated that's not the easiest thing in the world to do. Then it's time to pack the stall up again and we come home.
Once again it's a MetRev night tonight, so Shaz has gone out to "promote the business" and left me here all alone, which has clearly done wonders for me. I always put on a brave face, like I'm gonna have a great evening by myself, but y'know, clearly that's never gonna be the case. So I guess I'll just go to bed feeling sad again.
Ah well.
Tomorrow, as they so infuriatingly point out, is another day.
Shallow Summary
Well here we are a week later.
Don't know why it's taken me this long to update again, I guess I've just not felt very motivated and in truth very little has happened. It's just been a week at work (nothing unusual to report there) and that's about it. I could witter on about the little things at work, but the thing that's disturbed me the most is that I seem to be enjoying it and fitting more and more. I was even thinking that there could be a future for me there, and I really don't want that: I don't want to feel comfortable there, I want to get the hell out!
The only thing of note was that we went to see the new Harry Potter movie last night, and I have to say that I was really impressed. My relationship with the HP movies depends very much on the director (so the first two were throwaway nonsense, Prisoner of Azkaban was best by a mile), but this one took my by surprise. It somehow had a more natural feel to it, and built upon a lot of the darkness that Cuaron had built into number three. To be honest I felt it was the most complete, and most succesful of the summer blockbusters so far, and has (on first viewing at least) has replaced Prisoner as my favourite of the franchise thus far.
Somehow I'm just struggling to write today. It's not like there aren't thoughts in my head, 'cos there are; I just don't seem to be able to get them out of my head and onto the screen.
Happy Place
Today really wasn't all that good. It dragged on and on, one of my work colleagues was irritating the shite out of me 'cos our team leader wasn't there, and on top of that we seemed to have an especially high number of rude and/or stupid customers today. As the day wore on I became more and more convinced that I was gonna go to my Happy Place (ie Toys'R'Us) and go bask in the joy of toys and games (and I also became more and more convinced that I was gonna buy myself Optimus Prime if they had one, although I didn't really think they would). Imagine then my Transformers overload when I walk in and they have a vast wall dedicated entirely to the new Transformers range! They had all the ones I wanted, plus a few I didn't know existed! And what was worse, they were on a buy one, get one half price sale! Aargh! I was frankly overwhelmed, and when refused permission to buy EVERYTHING I ultimately decided to just walk away! Which was probably a wise move, but I want an Optimus Prime so MUCH!
lol
Remember when I wasn't even remotely excited in a Transformers movie? Ah those were the days, before I saw the trailer and realised that this is surely the movie Michael Bay was born to direct...
Rain
I'd had numerous thoughts about what I was gonna write about during the day, but none of them really seemed to stick. Then this evening we went shopping after work, looking for a present for a friends birthday at the weekend. And predictably, the heavens opened. Now in case you've not been following news of the British weather recently (and how could you not?), the rain here has been a little on the extreme side, leading to an awful lot of flooding and misery. Oddly enough though, Peterborough, a city almost entirely below sea level has been largely unaffected; indeed on the days that Sheffield was disappearing under torrential rain, we were having gloriously sunny happy weather. Not so tonight. I'd be exaggerating to suggest that it was rain of that nature, but there was an awful lot of it, and for the couple of hours it was raining we were naturally trudging about town, getting rather wet. And it'd been nice this morning, so I didn't have a coat with me, just wandering about in my shirt sleeves. Ah well. At least we found something to get, that was the important thing. That and it was too wet to walk all the way out to Games Workshop, so I wasn't tempted to buy any toy soldiers! Victory!
Corporate Evil
I kinda feel like I have a rant coming on. All day I've been starring at the idiotic sign at work which reads "Delivering certainty, through business process outsourcing", and it's been really annoying the shite out of me. It's an utterly ridiculous statement. How are we delivering certainty? Well, the first thing we do, is fire all your knowledgable, skilled and experienced employees, then we bring in our poorly paid monkey helpers (of which I am one) who work for us not you, give them minimal training, and let our ridiculous targets give the business enough churn that we never need to pay for experience because there'll never BE any. So really, what we do is take away the headache of managing something, and for a sizeable fee we'll do it for you. This is an insane position for a company to be in, not actually employing it's own staff, but wait till you start to look at the bigger picture, and you realise that not only are we destroying the servicing infrastructure of companies, not only are we increasing unemployment and financial uncertainty in peoples lives, we're also actually draining that money out of the British economy! And let's face it, financial servicing is about the last surviving thing that this country does that actually makes money! Tell me again how this is delivering certainty, other than a certain doom.
That'll do for now, but whatever you do don't get me started on those bloody Private Equity firms that are all the rage at the moment. How they raise the money, how the banks lend it to them with no qualm when I can't even get an overdraft extension is utterly beyond me, but mark me; one of these days one of these PE schemes is gonna fall over, and it's gonna go down hard.
What else?
Today at work was just another today at work, although it was also Sandras last day. She was a pain in the arse all day too, not really being bothered to work and I think that we're gonna find that she may have promised a few things that aren't gonna happen, so there will no doubt be some fall out. Nevertheless I'll miss her; she was a fun person to sit next to (now I don't have anybody, just me on my own) and she made the days pass more quickly. A few of us went down to Chequers after work to have a few farewell drinks with her, and then she was gone.
Shaz was interviewed by the local paper to go with the pics that were taken a couple of weeks back, and there's apparently going to be an article about us on the weekend. That could be pretty exciting, but I also wonder how the reporter will twist what was said and how we'll be painted. Normally I don't think I'd even wonder that, but for some reason I feel the edge of paranoia today, and see the wrong in everything. I wonder why that is?
Totally Unexciting
Well yeah, so there was this Tuesday you see and I went to work, and that was okay, and then I came home again and applied for some jobs and that was about it really.
Not much to write home about.
Or write about at all.
So I'll stop writing.
To Punish and Enslave
Having said last night that my Transformers brought me little joy, I finally got to play with Barricade tonight, and I have to say he is easily my favourite! The others seem almost simplistic compared to the intricacy of his transformation! Now I want Blackout, Ironhide, Megatron and Optimus Prime! And they're gonna cost me a lot of pennies, more's the pity!
It's great to be a child again! hehe
Worlds Worst Runner
I've just been for my first run since we moved here. It was pitiful, must have lasted all of three minutes and left me feeling seven-eighths dead (which is clearly much more serious than merely being half-dead). It was embarrasingly poor, but it was also a start. I knew it was gonna be bad, and I knew it was gonna hurt, but if I work on it, slowly building, I'll get back to where I was. Eventually.
Work today was... actually it was fine. I did a bit of thinking last night, and started reading up on my Buddhism again and today just sort of washed over me. It didn't hurt, I worked hard and sorted out problems, I was courteous and efficient and yeah, the day just travelled by and didn't bother me at all. Which was really nice.
It's taking me ages to recover from the run though, I'm sitting here still dripping sweat, and still disturbingly short of breath! It'll get better though, it will!
Rise of the Silver Surfer!
Well I've just watched Fantastic Four; Rise of the Silver Surfer, and god help me I loved it as much as the first one. I know lots of people who don't really like comic books (but think they do) hate the FF movies for being "fun", but dammit that's what the FF is supposed to be like! And this one is all that AND the Silver Surfer. 'Nuff said!
So last night I went to the place it was so important that I went, even though I felt sick, and was thoroughly annoyed by the whole thing. Well, the whole thing isn't true, it was more one person who annoyed the shite out of me, and that's because they wouldn't shut up and watch the movie that everybody else was watching. And of course on top of that I felt sick, and ultimately was. So I had to leave early and... bah, I'm just sick of it. Sick of being the sick one, the person who can't participate. There is (as usual) a party tonight, in a club, that I can't go to (hence watching the Surfer). Shaz has (as usual) gone without me, and I hate that too. I hate it. I hate it all.
Which of course, in a round about sort of way, might be why I'm so sick; I seem to have lost touch with the simple things, that little bit of Buddhism that used to keep me on the straight and narrow. All I do these days is be ill, annoyed, complain about being ill and annoyed and then buy things that I KNOW won't make me happier. A fine example of this is my new Transformers action figures. Are they fine toys? Yes they are indeed. Have they made me happy? Only for the few minutes it took to purchase them. Once that's done, once they are acquired, for all their skill and fun and relative beauty, they are just simple lumps of plastic which bring nothing of real worth to my life.
I am so lost; I wish I had a map so I could get back to myself.
