The Importance of Being Idle

The Hollow Man

This weekend has been hard work, 'cos try as I might I'm mainly just sitting here waiting for the hammer to fall and for me to be unemployed again. Although I'm sure in a very real way I won't be at all happy if that were to happen (after all, I have bills to pay!), the release and the reason to move on would probably be good. Not that it hasn't already been made clear to me that it's time to move on, the disciplinary is just a reminder that I shouldn't have been getting comfortable there anyway.
It's hard to talk about how I feel because, to be honest I don't really know myself; I almost feel empty, devoid of feelings of any kind, non-human. Talking at all is an effort, let alone talking about what's going on or what I'm feeling.
Yesterday on the stall was hard work too, I just felt so enclosed and cut off that it was difficult to talk to anybody at all, and then to have a certain few people being sympathetic and kind almost made it worse, as right now I don't feel especially worthy of kindness and consideration. Which is probably silly, but that's how it is.
After we got home we were both bloody tired, but Shaz had agreed to make a birthday cake for somebody and so we stayed up till nearly midnight getting that finished and watching most of Mars Attacks (which was on telly, and I hadn't seen it for ages, so why not?).
Today was more work on the cake, cleaning the house, and wanting to go out and find something to BUY that would make me happy, if only for a little. That's a completely ridiculous notion of course, happiness can't come from buying things, but even so I'd like to give it a try. Instead I've been reading Fortean Times (which I perhaps inconveniently decided to resubscribe to last month) and last months issue was (appropriately enough) a big 60 years of UFO-logy retrospective. I've not read it all yet (there's lots of words there!), but I find myself constantly amazed that apparently rational and clear thinking people honestly believe in the physical reality of UFOs as alien visitors from other worlds. Whilst I clearly don't have any belief that would preclude this, I think it far more likely that there is something psychological and sociological which produces things which percipients believe to be alien spacecraft. I wonder also at how easily the thin veneer of sophistication we believe we have is brushed off, and we're back being cave men amazed and mystified by fire (or anything else we don't understand).
For somebody with nothing to say, that's an awful lot of writing, eh?

posted by BadMonkey @ 3:32 PM