The Importance of Being Idle

Welcome To The Suck

Once again I have the dizzy. It's been a couple of weeks now and it's not good. If there's a plus side to it it's that my boss has made it plain that I'm not gonna suddenly wind up unemployed for being sick. Which is good to be honest, it's one of the reasons I've always thought working for a smaller company would be good, because the people you work for actually know you and don't just treat you like some disposable cog in the great corporate machine. If there's another plus side it's that I seem to be getting back to normal significantly more quickly than last time, and I hope to be properly back at work on Monday. Of course I'd hoped that last week, and it didn't turn out to be true then, but maybe this week it'll be different and I'll be right.
So it's been a while eh?
I've been busy; busy working, earning money and then having Christmas. The working and earning money part was going pretty well, although I generally seem to log somewhere between 50 and 60 hours a week which I find very tiring, the money wasn't half bad. On top of that, beyond the obvious stuff like bills and such, having so little free time means that I'm not massively tempted to fritter my wages away on toys and movies and such like as I simply do not have the time to enjoy them!
I really couldn't be bothered with Christmas at all this year, my seasonal sadness all but overwhelmed me this year, although once work was finally finished on Christmas Eve (about 5 o'clock then, no early finish for me!) and I finally relaxed into it I really enjoyed it and I was glad that I'd forced myself to make the effort to buy presents for people! We spent Christmas Day itself here and had a nice time, then spent the next few days not getting to spend enough time with family and friends (in fact there's one of my friends that I've not seen since well before Christmas and I still have his present sitting downstairs on my magazine pile!). So that was all good, and of course I actually had a week of holiday between Christmas and New Year, so that was good too.
Then New Year came, and I wasn't well. I didn't go out anywhere, partly because where Shaz was going was somewhere I REALLY didn't want to be, but mainly just because I felt like shit and went to bed well before 2008 began. From there it just got worse until I ended up in my present condition of wobbly incoherence.
Admittedly it's not been as bad as it was before, I haven't lost language too often and don't really talk bollocks any more than normal, but the actual wobbles themselves are as bad as I've been in a long time, so bad that I don't dare drive. I went out by myself a little last weekend and whilst it could have gone worse (in that people or objects could've been damaged) it most certainly could've been better. The shear amount of noise and movement was so utterly overwhelming to me that I was quite nauseous and more than a little frightened. Damned if I know how I got home, but I did, which is good. Since then I've been taking the outings a little more cautiously, and touch wood, there's been no repeat.
If there's been any upside to all this it's that I feel more relaxed than I have in a while, although I suppose that should come as no surprise as I'm not really doing a lot (in fact I'm deliberately staying up late in the vague hope that I might tire myself and have a decent nights sleep for once). What I mean by more relaxed is... more like myself? Less angry, I suppose, although I find myself still disturbingly quick to anger, especially with Shaz which isn't something I like at all and I don't really know where the sudden flare of anger comes from.
That's not a happy place to go, but if I'm honest there's more; I'm old, I'm sick, I'm in a dead end job which seems quite content to kill me and for what? Where is all this going? I'm no closer to finding out what it is I want to do with my life than I've ever been, no closer to understanding what makes me tick, what would bring me happiness. For all that I aspire to the perfect being I'm fat and lazy and all too fallible, and yet I never seem to be able to do anything about it. But then perhaps these are the natural thoughts you encounter when wandering around your brain after midnight, hiding in the shadows that daylight carelessly obliterates.

posted by BadMonkey @ 11:40 PM