Darwin Award Nominations
The past couple of days have been hard work. I've been doing the London run again, no surprises there, but for reasons that are somewhat beyond me I've been utterly exhaused by it, to the extent that when I got home last night I just fell asleep on the couch until it was time for me to fall asleep in my bed.
Today was okay though, and I saw something which entertained me mightily. Basically, it was a home made version of those cradles that window cleaners use to clean the windows of high rise buildings, except this one was two blokes in a wheelie bin gingerly lowering themselves off the roof of a pub! I can't imagine the contraption stayed in one piece for very long, but sadly my delivery drivers schedule had me away down the road before I could witness their spectacular descent to earth. Shame.
I also visited the Guild Hall today, and was stunned by the almost total lack of security. Basically I told them I had a delivery and was waved through to wander the corridors of power wherever I should choose. I only went where I was supposed to go, but it struck me as odd that nobody checked the manifest, my ID, hell I didn't even have to sign in! Totally weird.
It is apparently going to get colder as we approach the weekend. This is not good news as I think I almost shivered myself to death last night! Can't say I'm looking forward to my 3.30am start on Friday!
Incidentally, I wonder if there really are nominations for the Darwin awards? Probably, but I just can't be bothered to look it up and confirm or deny.
Take Me Down To Paradise City
Ended up getting up far earlier than was good for me this morning, largely because I wanted to get some breakfast for Shaz before she went to work this morning. Yes, work this morning! Here's the digest version; her boss is an idiot, they've got a new area manager who isn't, trying to get things back to standard. Sadly for all the work she did it doesn't appear she's going to get any recognition, only blame for things that weren't her fault to begin with. Also my plan to make breakfast was scuppered by the bagels having gone off. Good effort though, I felt.
The afternoon was largely spent messing about, getting some groceries and then playing Devil May Cry. Having come into the series at the third iteration I was surprised to go back to the first one and discover that it was basically built on a Resident Evil engine and then given a little combat action. Dante is still a cool motherfucker though.
I think this weekend also marks the first time I've actually seriously wanted a next gen console (so a PS3 or 360) and it's almost entirely down to the release of Burnout Paradise. Long term fans will remember near endless blogging about the various incarnations of the Burnout series over the years, and it is almost physically painful not to be able to partake of this one. I suppose that I could theoretically afford a new console in the next couple of weeks, given the amount of hours I put in, but I have to question whether it would be a Good Idea. On the other hand, I do lots of things that aren't necessarily Good Ideas just because I want to, damn it!
I guess the weekend is drawing to a close now, what there was of it, and it's time to get ready for another exciting week of driving! At least there's new Supernatural on TV tonight!
Three AM Thoughts
For some reason, even though I've had a pretty okay day, I suddenly feel crushingly and inexplicably lonely. I don't quite know why, it's not like I want to wake people up and have company, there's nothing so rational as that to it at all; it's almost like when everybody else is asleep, in the quiet dark of the night when you can no longer pretend that all the noise and chatter around you means anything, you suddenly realise how utterly cold and uncaring the universe is. Almost like the death of God, if you will, like an awful truth that cannot be unseen or forgotten. That sort of lonely.
Empty London
Well for all that I feared the 3.30am start, it wasn't that bad really. In fact I might almost be tempted to hint that I'd rather enjoyed it. It's so peaceful at that time of night, and there really is almost no traffic. Driving down Regent Street at six in the morning was remarkable, the place was almost unrecognisable and I knew that when next I drove that way it would be a hectic crush of colour, noise, people and traffic. And so it was. The main problem with being in London (or I suspect anywhere) so early, is that nothing is open, and so once I'd made my delivery I essentially had just over two hours of sitting doing nothing until I could get on with my next job. So I suppose being in London was actually advantageous because there was a little cafe open where I could get some breakfast and a cup of tea while the rest of the city woke up and came to life around me. Once nine o'clock came it was time to get on with the rest of my working day, and what an epic it was, not finishing until just after seven in the evening. Still, that means I've put in over 65 billable hours this week alone, which can't be bad. It's also been an extreme test of my recently restored balance, which has proven to be remarkably reliable given the stress my body has been under (although I spent pretty much the entire of yesterday convinced I hadn't taken my meds in the morning!).
Oddly the tiredness really only hit me once during the whole week, and that was a moment this afternoon where I think sleep paralysis had set in, or I'd entered a hypnogogic state. Either way it was very weird when I tried to move my hand on the steering wheel and couldn't because my hand was part of the wheel. I have to admit though, the only reason I'm still concious this late in the evening is that I'm powered almost entirely by caffeine and sugar; in fact I'm considering buying one of those two litres bottles of coke (or maybe pepsi), and boiling it down so there's only caffeine and sugar left as a residue which I will then dry and snort like the other type of coke. I reckon that'd be a mighty effective way to get the important parts into your system and operating straight away! Not that the taste of coke (or pepsi, in fact I'm rather into pepsi at the moment. See how I utterly refuse to capitalise these brand names. I wonder why? It's probably just laziness) isn't important, I really find there to be little more refreshing, but when you work as many hours as I do it's the chemical effects that really count!
I should be getting to bed I suppose, we're back on the stall tomorrow. I've made my dislike for this more than plain over the past few weeks, and given the amount I work during the week I really don't think a weekend is much to ask for. But apparently it is.
Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was Younger
Okay, it's only one thing, but I've just realised that solace is of course comfort and not solitude, which completely spoils my joke. Still a stupid title.
And You Thought Some Of My Titles Were Bad!
Here we go!
I was a little surprised that the news story about the unveiling the title of the new Bond movie claimed that it was "proudly announced" by the producers. Surely they meant "sheepishly admitted"? I mean "Quantum of Solace"? What the fuck is that? I know "Die Another Day" wasn't exactly genius, but Quantum of Solace? I presume this hints at a plot where a super-baddie/genius physicist/psychiatrist discovers the elementary particle of loneliness and uses to depress the world into giving him.... one.... million.... dollars? And what is this Quantum of Solace called? The Sad-on? No, the Depress Ion! I've only just thought of that, and I think it's bloody clever. Still, fucking stupid title though.
The after effects of Heath Ledgers death and just starting to ripple through the news pages of the movie world, and whilst I understand the need to clarify some of these business decisions as soon as possible, it also strikes me as remarkably tasteless that he's been dead less than 24 hours and yet people want to know what's gonna happen with the projects he's been involved with recently. Not that I don't want to see Dark Knight ('cos I do, although now it seems churlish to wonder about whether Heath got the Joker right when the man's dead!). Speaking of the Joker, I did wonder in my idle minutes yesterday if maybe he didn't take a little too much of that home with him after filming was finished. Still, I doubt we'll ever know if it was suicide or accidental, so it would only be speculation.
This isn't coming out at all coherently is it?
I'm just not used to this hard work thing, not used to it at all.
Why So Serious?
First thing I heard on the news yesterday morning was that Heath Ledger was dead. I was oddly shocked and affected by the news; I know he's an actor and not an actual person I know, but somehow I wasn't prepared to discover someone so young and talented was gone; I just sort of assumed I'd have years and years to get sick of him as he got older! I'm not gonna lie to you and say he's one of my favourite actors or anything, but I've seen more than a few of his films and always found him to be very good (but then I've not seen Sineater!). Can't believe I just mocked the dead. Terrible.
In other yesterday news, the police had a demonstration about pay in London which brought the city to a standstill. I didn't get home till after seven, which was not good. Today was much better, although I'm still not what you'd call early and I have a 3.30am start tomorrow!
I'm sure I'd had other various thoughts in my head over the past two days, some of them very bloggable, but right now I am tired and tireder.
Broken
Well that didn't last very long. Yes, despite being assured I wouldn't be doing anything else, I got home at just after seven tonight, after having been out for fourteen hours without a break. No food, no drink, no nothing. I was shaking when I got in, my legs were like rubber and I thought I was gonna pass out. So important safety tip there; make time for food, it's important.
Other than that... well I've worked all day. I'm tired. I don't think there's anything else, at least if there is I can't think!
I miss knowing you finished at five and having an evening...
Blue Monday
For some reason all the media have been able to talk about today is how today is officially (although they did not make it clear who has the power to declare this) the saddest day of the year. Apparently a combination of bills, being as far from payday as you're gonna get, bad weather and general post Christmas malaise all combine to make this so. Yet I've had a happy day.
Okay, bad news first. Remember how I wished I wouldn't get the London run today? I did. And not only today either, but the whole week and probably the whole of next week too! And maybe more after that! Apparently there have been some objections to some of our staff and I am deemed the only one suitable (or at least the only one that wasn't complained about, probably because they haven't seen me in a month) and so I'm stuck with it until we can recruit and train somebody else suitable. Which in a lot of ways is actually pretty okay with me; if this becomes my regular timing then my body will get used to it and I'll be okay. Last night however I had comedy insomnia and slept for all of about three hours. So I am now exhausted. Overall though, my first day back at work was a success. I don't think I messed anything up and I got back into the routine almost like I'd never been away.
Let's hope tomorrow is just as good!
Nice Saturday
Last Saturday was a nightmare. I was feeling really unwell, Shaz was staying over at a friends house and I foolishly decided to head into town. It was a decent into hell. So much movement, noise and confusion, I thought the nausea would overwhelm me and I'd either throw up and pass out or just curl up in a corner and cry. Somehow I made it home again, but it was not a good day.
Today however, was much better. We got up at a relatively leisurely hour as Shaz had decided to close the stall for two weeks, then we went to view another house (too old, too insecure, too on a main road, no parking, tiny kitchen... the list goes on and yet we both still kinda liked it!), then we pottered around town for a bit before settling down at home for a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Which I fell asleep during, which is no reflection on the movies, more a reflection on the fact that I was playing WoW until 3am this morning (actually looking at the time, yesterday morning)!
We had a nice dinner, there were strawberries and melted chocolate for dessert and I made some rather yummy and only slightly alcoholic hot chocolate with what remained.
It was, pretty much, all good.
I also committed to being back at work on Monday; the boss called needing to know, so there we are, I'm committed. And good thing too, now let's just hope I don't draw the short straw and have to do the early morning London run on my first day back!
Thank Crunchie It's Friday
Well unless anything seriously untoward happens over the weekend I do believe that's the end of my convalescence. I actually felt pretty much like myself all day, and despite and almost overwhelming urge to go into town and buy things I don't need (I'm looking at you, World of Warcraft action figures!) I had a good day. Admittedly I had my chores to do, but I still managed to play a decent amount of FFX and discover that my Guitar Hero skills are back by kicking ass on Expert (not on all the songs, but more than a few). Other than that surprisingly little has happened today, which is probably a good thing. Still want the WoW figures though and I'm bound to weaken at some point!
Right now Eastenders is on TV, and I'm studiously avoiding it by writing this. Can't stand the bloody programme, but at least one person in the house is addicted to it!
ArS Artificial Stupidity
Didn't feel so sad in the evening, probably just 'cos I had less quiet time with thoughts whirring round my head. Played a bit more FFX, drove (at night!) to the shops to get a few bits, made dinner, then we watched AI Artificial Intelligence which happened to be on TV. I enjoyed the movie (as usual) although I had the sudden and perhaps obvious insight that the things at the end aren't some weird alien archaeologists as I'd previously thought, but super evolved robots. That's why they think humans hold the key to creation and why they're prepared to go to such great lengths to make David happy (although there is also the side issue of wanting to know what humans were like). Anyway, I enjoyed it perhaps more this time than I ever have before, although I still wonder what exactly the movie is trying to say to me. Maybe it's not saying anything, maybe it's just a movie, but there seems to be some sort of underlying message there striving to get out. Whether it's that hope is what makes us human, or that we should appreciate each day, or something equally trite I don't know, 'cos I also get undertones of hope being a quintessentially human delusion and the emptiness of existence. But like I say, maybe it's just a movie.
Sad
So far today has been both a good day and a bad day. It's been a good day in so far as health wise I actually feel pretty good today, and I went out for a little drive without any real ill effects at all.
Bad wise, I've just felt overwhelmingly sad. Not for any reason that I'm aware of, but it's there all the same. I've never considered myself a naturally depressed person, although I know my brother struggles with it on a minute by minute basis, which is a horrible thing for him (and those of us who can only sit on the sidelines and watch). I suppose I'm lucky really, my Grandad is a man who has suffered with depression all his life, so it could just as easily have got me. Anyway, right now I don't feel especially lucky, and I don't seem to care to do any of the things that might conceivably cheer me up. Which is special, isn't it?
I suppose it's the isolation starting to get to me. Funny isn't it? All I say I want is to be left alone, but when I am I unravel quicker than a ball of wool being played with by a kitten.
Rant Moving In From A Westerly Direction
The evening wasn't so bad. After finishing up my paperwork for the day I played a little Guitar Hero (nice to see my skills returning, although I still seem to get lost on the fret board and that hasn't happened in a good long while) which made me feel shockingly sick and dizzy. Then a little Final Fantasy X which didn't. It's been so long since I've played a FF game that I'd almost forgotten how utterly amazing they are, and it's nice to be pulled back into their world. I know the story for each is different, but the elements are always the same (and that's no bad thing!) and it's nice to have warriors with enormous swords and summoners and chocobos and all those things back! I just wish I hadn't missed everything since Aeris died in FF7 (as I may have said before, when she died I didn't think the world was worth saving, and never carried on!). I'd like to think one day I'll go back and fill in the blanks, but we all know that will probably never happen!
Then we watched The Devil Wears Prada again. We only got it on Sunday and watched it that very evening, but Shaz wanted to see it again and see it again we did. It's a good film, superficially a chick flick but with what appears to me to be some interesting dilemmas about work and growing up. It seems to me that essentially her friends are just content to continue their student existences, whereas Andy tries to grow up and accept her role in an adult society, whereas they accuse her of selling out and betraying her principles, even though we see nothing in the movie to suggest that. Sure she becomes interested in fashion, but that's hardly a crime is it? She certainly doesn't become one of those people so obsessed with it that she judges people based on their appearance, and yet her so called friends seem more than happy to do this, and that my friends is just inverse snobbery. She works hard, yes, but that's because she's the PA to one of the most important people fashion and whilst she may not get the monetary rewards one might reasonably expect, the perks are utterly amazing and the list of contacts she could build would be mind boggling. And yet she jacks it all in because her scruffy idiot of a boyfriend (incidentally a chef who never seems to work in the evenings, then applies for and accepts a job in another city without telling her) tells her she lacks integrity. Why? Which of her lofty principles is she betraying by having a job exactly? Her early conviction that fashion is stupid? Hate to tell you this but changing your mind about something isn't betraying a principle, it's just changing your mind. Yes, she wants to be a journalist, but I don't see how she betrays this ideal by working at the top flight of magazine publishing first. It just means she isn't some naive little girl who doesn't have a clue how things are. Anyway, it IS just a film. I guess it just kinda exercises me a little. And don't even get me started on the double standards for success for men and women...
Okay, I really need to relax a little! Now it's time for bed.
Thick As A Brick
So far today hasn't been easy. It's not that I'm feeling particularly unwell (certainly not given my current standards) but my memory has been utterly appalling! I've been given some paperwork to do for my boss to give me a little something to do, which is good 'cos it gives me the possibility of earning a few quid during the week. But up until about fifteen minutes ago I was struggling to do what was required! I'd look at one of the sheets, turn to write whatever it was down and the information would just *pfft* be gone! On top of that the rudimentary maths that I'd normally take for granted just made my brain grind to a halt! It's taken me HOURS, almost all day, to do something that probably shouldn't have taken more than a couple of hours at most. I'm almost embarrased to admit it's taken that long on my time sheet, it makes me look like either a complete retard or a complete liar!
Other than that, well that's about it! I haven't managed to get outside at all today and I only got around to doing the washing up when I realised that if I didn't get on with it it'd still be there when we want to make dinner!
Not a good day so far. Let's hope I do better in the evening!
Welcome To The Suck
Once again I have the dizzy. It's been a couple of weeks now and it's not good. If there's a plus side to it it's that my boss has made it plain that I'm not gonna suddenly wind up unemployed for being sick. Which is good to be honest, it's one of the reasons I've always thought working for a smaller company would be good, because the people you work for actually know you and don't just treat you like some disposable cog in the great corporate machine. If there's another plus side it's that I seem to be getting back to normal significantly more quickly than last time, and I hope to be properly back at work on Monday. Of course I'd hoped that last week, and it didn't turn out to be true then, but maybe this week it'll be different and I'll be right.
So it's been a while eh?
I've been busy; busy working, earning money and then having Christmas. The working and earning money part was going pretty well, although I generally seem to log somewhere between 50 and 60 hours a week which I find very tiring, the money wasn't half bad. On top of that, beyond the obvious stuff like bills and such, having so little free time means that I'm not massively tempted to fritter my wages away on toys and movies and such like as I simply do not have the time to enjoy them!
I really couldn't be bothered with Christmas at all this year, my seasonal sadness all but overwhelmed me this year, although once work was finally finished on Christmas Eve (about 5 o'clock then, no early finish for me!) and I finally relaxed into it I really enjoyed it and I was glad that I'd forced myself to make the effort to buy presents for people! We spent Christmas Day itself here and had a nice time, then spent the next few days not getting to spend enough time with family and friends (in fact there's one of my friends that I've not seen since well before Christmas and I still have his present sitting downstairs on my magazine pile!). So that was all good, and of course I actually had a week of holiday between Christmas and New Year, so that was good too.
Then New Year came, and I wasn't well. I didn't go out anywhere, partly because where Shaz was going was somewhere I REALLY didn't want to be, but mainly just because I felt like shit and went to bed well before 2008 began. From there it just got worse until I ended up in my present condition of wobbly incoherence.
Admittedly it's not been as bad as it was before, I haven't lost language too often and don't really talk bollocks any more than normal, but the actual wobbles themselves are as bad as I've been in a long time, so bad that I don't dare drive. I went out by myself a little last weekend and whilst it could have gone worse (in that people or objects could've been damaged) it most certainly could've been better. The shear amount of noise and movement was so utterly overwhelming to me that I was quite nauseous and more than a little frightened. Damned if I know how I got home, but I did, which is good. Since then I've been taking the outings a little more cautiously, and touch wood, there's been no repeat.
If there's been any upside to all this it's that I feel more relaxed than I have in a while, although I suppose that should come as no surprise as I'm not really doing a lot (in fact I'm deliberately staying up late in the vague hope that I might tire myself and have a decent nights sleep for once). What I mean by more relaxed is... more like myself? Less angry, I suppose, although I find myself still disturbingly quick to anger, especially with Shaz which isn't something I like at all and I don't really know where the sudden flare of anger comes from.
That's not a happy place to go, but if I'm honest there's more; I'm old, I'm sick, I'm in a dead end job which seems quite content to kill me and for what? Where is all this going? I'm no closer to finding out what it is I want to do with my life than I've ever been, no closer to understanding what makes me tick, what would bring me happiness. For all that I aspire to the perfect being I'm fat and lazy and all too fallible, and yet I never seem to be able to do anything about it. But then perhaps these are the natural thoughts you encounter when wandering around your brain after midnight, hiding in the shadows that daylight carelessly obliterates.
