D'oh!
After last nights post I watched Revolutions and it became blindingly clear what Smith is; he's none of the bollocks I was talking about last night, although he IS Neo's opposite in a sense. He's free to do whatever he likes and has power to affect his reality, just as Neo does, but he finds no purpose. He's got a lot of nasty, bitchy little questions which cast doubt on things, but he's essentially got nothing, and he gives it all away when he says that Neo taught him the purpose of all life, to end. Yep, Smith is Nihilism!
Still Using All the Muscles Except the One That Matters?
A week later and what do I have to say for myself eh?
Not a lot to be honest.
Last week wasn't a bad week b y any means, but for the life of me I can't really remember all that much about it. Stuff happened, there was cleaning and applying for jobs and nightmares about being in prison awaiting my execution (by hanging), some gaming and... that's about it.
Thursday while I was waiting for the house inspection person to come I started watching the Matrix again, which in turn got me started watching the whole lot of them (only Revolutions to go now) and that got me thinking about the Matrix movies again. Not in terms of a critical re-appraisal, I still think that they're all very cool, but can't quite match the whole "holy shit what IS this?" of the first movie, but a philosophical interpretation. Now I've read the whole Christian allegory over and over again, and apart from the fact that Neo is obviously a saviour figure who sacrifices himself for the greater good, I don't see it. There's bugger all in Christian thought about thinking for yourself, seeing the world as it truly is and taking responsibility for your own actions, but there is an awful lot of doing what you're told because it's for your own good. If anything Christian thinking is a part of the Matrix, it's a control mechanism. Now maybe it's just me, but I see a lot of Buddhist thought in there. The Matrix itself is clearly the world as it is seen by most people, and Neo is a Buddha who can control his own destiny fully by being aware of the world as it is at each specific moment. That's a pretty loose interpretation, but no matter how I think about it, I wonder, what the hell does Agent Smith represent? He is in many ways the same as Neo, free and searching for purpose and meaning in his life, but his solution to his existential dilemma is to make everybody the same as he is... and it occurs to me, rather than the freeing experience of seeing the world for what it really is that gives Neo and the other who are "free" their powers, Smith wants the reverse; he wants everybody to follow rules, his rules. So maybe in that context Agent Smith (I should really just call him Smith though, after the events of the first movie he's no longer an Agent, no longer a part of the system) represents organised religion? Or more likely, he's just a cool character from the first movie that they brought back for the sequels and he doesn't
mean anything, and he's just there for the cool fight sequences.
The stall was more succesful this weekend, we took nearly £200 which is a massive improvement on recent weeks, and we (and by we I mean "I") will be taking the stall down to the town square on Thursday as part of promoting the market so that will... be. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but on the other hand it is an excellent opportunity to take the stall to people who can't be arsed to come to us, and with a positive frame of mind it could be a fun and succesful day. And with a negative frame of mind it'll only be for a few hours!
This afternoon was Shaz's "Pagan Picnic", trying to get a few of her pagan and wiccan friends together to have a meet and a bit of a chat and see about getting together on a more regular basis to actually be a pagan group! It was a lovely sunny day, and we went down to Ferry Meadows and while they all paganed away, I lay in the sun and... well that was about it, I lay in the sun. I was occasionally mesmerised by the clouds, and often drifted off into my own thoughts (about such bizarre topics as golf, the deeper philosophical meaning - if any - of The Matrix movies, and whether I was gonna have pizza for my tea this evening). They all seemed to have a good time though, and thought it was worthwhile, so that's good.
It's a bank holiday weekend too, so we get a lie in tomorrow too (not that the 37 minutes I had today before Archie woke me up really counts for much, does it?), and who knows what adventures we'll have tomorrow?
Pub Crawl
Okay, so where were we?
Ah yes, well Saturday was... well it was hard work in places. I was feeling down again and it was difficult to work up the energy to really talk to anybody at all, even my friends, so I mainly just stood and was miserable. Saturday was also Matt's birthday, and having agreed to go out with him for a few drinks many months ago (when it was to be a fancy dress pub-crawl, with all of us going as super-heroes, which was an idea cancelled just two weeks ago when it turned out that there was really only gonna be me, Shaz, Matt & Bex making that particular effort and four of us wasn't enough for a pub crawl was more than enough to make ourselves targets and also to bar us entry to places) I was already committed. Honestly, the way I was feeling, so enclosed and broken I really didn't want to go, as much for Matt's sake as for mine; I really didn't think I was gonna be able to add anything to his birthday apart from misery and inexplicably cruel comments (I had tried to make my usual "witty" comments at the stall earlier, but they'd just turned out to be horribly inappropriate and unpleasant). However, Shaz forced me to have a bath and reminded me that Matt was relying on me to be there and... it was fun. Matt and I aren't heavy drinkers at the best of times, and we both drank a significant amount and then discussed with our remaining intelligence how peculiar the sensation of being drunk is. As a pub crawl it was massively poor, we only made it to two places 'cos once we got to the Boys Head we pretty much settled in, being the only people there. Richie (the landlord) made us special shots in secret, and also made a cocktail he called the Boys Head Knockout for the birthday boy (I drank the second one 'cos Matt was rightly afraid of it) and eventually we wobbled our way home at about 2am (having discovered that Richie is a massive Transformers nerd), where I promptly fell asleep until Archie woke me up for his breakfast. I dutifully wobbled downstairs still much the worse for wear, then went back up to bed and pretty much stayed there for the rest of the day. In the evening we watched a couple of movies, The Number 23 and Sunshine, at least one of which deserves to be talked about at some length, but that isn't gonna happen now.
This morning I finally got Diligenta's response to my appeal, and, surprisingly, they backed their own play and, to summarise, told me that as I had no legal employment rights for the first twelve months they can and will do as they want. And have a nice day. It was disappointing, but hardly surprising.
Other things have happened, but I can't be bothered to go into them right now. Not many of the things that have happened have been good anyway, although the good bits have been very good and made me feel that I might not be such a waste of space after all.
I'd also like to learn to snowboard, I'll just add that to the list of things while I'm here. It's an odd list though, to be sure.
A Game You Can't Win, Only Play
Thursday was a good day; I painted and cooked and was generally a happy and creative person, which is how I wish it would always be. I cooked a dish for Ronnie that I'd seen on TV the night before, which is the first time I've ever cooked anything I've seen on TV. In fact it's probably the first time I've really paid that much attention to a cookery programme ever, even though I've always sort of semi-watched them right from when I was a kid and used to watch Ken Hom's Hot Wok. I still think Ken Hom is awesome, no matter what.
So yeah, that was a good day, and I actually finished painting a miniature! I know, I was shocked too, but I have. I've taken some photos, so if I feel like blowing my own trumpet another day I'll post them and you can inspect my work. I was very pleased with it though, one of the best pieces of work I've ever done, which is just as well as it's a gift for a friend.
Today however was not as good. I applied for a few jobs, but I was starting to feel down and lost again (not to mention hungry; we don't exactly have a lot of money for food at the moment, in fact we don't really have any money for anything very much, and if you can't afford food which is pretty much essential then you know it's serious), when by good fortune there was a film on to cheer me up, The Legend of Bagger Vance. Now I know it's not everybody's cup of tea, what with the (obviously) heavy golfing metaphor (although for what it's worth I can only think of two golf movies, this and Tin Cup, and I love them both) and southern 1920s setting, but it's basically just Buddhist teachings in a nice sunny film world, and always manages to cheer me up and make me feel better about myself, which is especially odd as the narrator dies pretty much right at the beginning. So after that I felt a bit better, which is good. It also added another item to my list of things I want to do, which currently looks like this (in no particular order);
Ride a horse
Learn to play guitar
Learn to surf
Learn to play golf (or at least the version of golf found in movies such as Bagger Vance)
I'm sure there are plenty of other things that should be on there, but for some reason those are the ones that seem to stick in my head.
Something I should've mentioned earlier is that Mike Wieringo passed this Sunday. He was a young man of 44, and one of my favourite artists (especially after his run on the Flash with Mark Waid), and I'm deeply saddened to see him go.
In Summary, England Is A Land Of Contrasts
Well, it's certainly been an eventful few days.
There was a meteor shower on Sunday which was good, Monday I pretty much fell to pieces and all my worst feelings and instincts overwhelmed me completely, to the extent that I was thinking that a thirty eighth year of this would be too much to endure. However my bro called me up and cheered me up ('cos he seems to be the only one who can when things go dark), and Tuesday was pretty much back to business as usual, albeit with some... odd moments. I had a little telephone interview yesterday which was pitiful, I hardly seemed able to string a simple sentence together, which was unfortunate as it was a telesales job, but if you will call me when I'm at my most depressed what do you expect? Unsurprisingly I did not advance beyond the phone interview stage.
And today hasn't been anything really; just registering with employment agencies, especially looking for temping positions (not that a proper full time job would go a miss, but temping seems more immediately likely).
Given how superficial all this is, I'd guess that I still have some issues with communication, 'cos there's an awful lot in my head (including a spectacularly disturbing dream from last night), but I can't really get it out onto the screen. Ah well.
Oh yeah, and do you like the Simpsons version of me? I find him all too sadly recognisable...
After Midnight
After midnight, when everyone else is asleep is a weird time to be in a house. Or at least it always seems so to me. It's an immensely peaceful time, when the everyday stresses and strains of life are forgotten, and people sleep in peace. Yet it's a time of loneliness and anxiety; you're all alone, and you can't wake anyone to share this special time because it just vanishes, and you cling to it, wanting it to last forever, knowing that once you go to sleep it'll be gone, and tomorrow morning the world goes straight back to normal.
Improvement
Today has been a much better day so far; I've applied for six jobs, nipped into town to pick up something for Shaz for tomorrow, chatted to folk in GW, and it's still only just 3.30pm. Oh yeah, and I've been painting too! So it's all good.
Last night wasn't so good though, I was still suffering vertigo and whenever I closed my eyes to go to sleep I was just swept into the most awful vertiginous feeling imaginable and this peculiar vision of standing on the edge of this impossibly high cliff. It was weird and unpleasant. Needless to say, I am very tired today. Ah well.
I'd intended to write more today, I have plenty of stuff in my head, I just don't know how to get it out of my head and onto the screen right now.
To Infinity and Beyond!
Yesterday was a weird day. Over the weekend Kieron's sister had an aneurysm, and collapsed. She was eventually taken to a specialist neurology centre in Oxford, and the weekend and the start of the week have not been an easy time for anybody involved. Yesterday was the day Kieron could see his sister for the first time, so we drove him down there (and back). Thankfully she's a lot better now, she's concious, breathing by herself and seems to be pretty much back to herself, apart from being extremely tired all the time. For some reason some other people had invited themselves along, perhaps mistaking it for some sort of road trip, and as Kieron didn't seem to mind them being there we let it slide and off we went. Long story short, it was a good thing; Kieron was incredibly tense and worried (as you would be), he'd not been sleeping or eating or doing anything very much; after seeing her he fell asleep in the back of the car, and when we stopped off for a bite to eat he ordered a mixed platter for four and ate it all to himself (and Kieron is so skinny his ass sticks inwards!). Anyway, that was that really; it was a long drive, we got home late, but it was a Good Thing, and I think we made a positive difference to somebody's life, and you can't really want for much more than that in a day.
But I got more!
After we got home, there was an odd little documentary on about mathematicians who'd essentially been driven mad by the things they'd discovered. Now I'll argue that the cause of most of their insanity wasn't their theories, rather it was the reaction of the mathematical community at large to these theories. Sadly, mathematicians, like the common mass of humanity, are far too wedded to their own pre-conceived notions, and will resist almost until death new ideas, especially ones as massive as these (Cantor on the nature of infinity, Bolzmann on entropy, Godel on completeness and Turing on computability). What was really interesting though, was that the ideas that allegedly drove these people mad (again, in Turings case it wasn't the maths, it was the security services chemically castrating him that drove him to suicide) were the very ideas that always fascinated me as a student; the metamathematics of why maths works in the first place! I know I used to spend days getting lost in problems and thoughts, not wanting to go anywhere or speak to anyone for fear of losing the state of conciousness that seems to be a necessity for contemplating the really big stuff. Maybe that state of conciousness is what sent these guys over the edge though, so maybe being a slacker isn't such a bad thing after all...
Other than that, I've felt pretty shitty today. For all that we did good yesterday, I had to drive in the dark for the last hour or so of the day, and whilst it wasn't too bad at the time (it was a little disorienting, but no more than driving had been once I started doing that again), but the after effects have been pretty unpleasant. I'll get there though, I've got to; my brain won't learn to cope with these things if I avoid them, will it?
So, how big is infinity anyway...?
Healthy Living
Just got back from the doctors and having another blood pressure check, and the good news is that it has dropped dramatically! It's no longer in the high and dangerous range, it's just in the perfectly normal human being range. Yay me!
Aftermath
Well, my enemies do not lie dead at my feet, and I don't have my job back, but I still think things went pretty well. The people who were doing the hearing seemed nice, and they listened and asked questions, and seemed to be pretty shocked by how I was being treated. Now, whether that will amount to anything at all, only time will tell. Yep, they now have a chance to "look into" my claims, and make a decision. That decision is final and no matter how wrong it is I don't have a right of reply to that. Still, I think the meeting went well. It lasted well over an hour (and used two tapes!), and like I said, seemed pretty effective. I think I made my points forcefully and effectively, and they understood what I was saying and seemed to take my points on board. Now all we can do is wait and see.
Charge!!!!!!!!!
Well, here we go then. Just over an hour until my appeal, and I'm nervous. I'm prepared however, I've been over everything, printed out bullet points, high-lighted the appropriate passages... I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'm just nervous. If it's a fair fight, I don't honestly see how I can lose, I just doubt that it's gonna be a fair fight. They have all the power, they set the rules, choose the battle ground, and as I'm sure I've said before, I don't think they'll allow a situation to exist where they've tried to fire me and failed because my kung-fu was stronger. But I'm gonna give it my best shot, and I fully intend to stand triumphant over the fallen bodies of my foes.
And get my job back.
More Than Meets The Eye
Been a bit of a busy week really. Tuesday morning I casually said "well, if you want to see a cool alternative clothing place you should see the Oasis in Birmingham", and ten minutes later we were on the car, on the way to do just that. It was a trip worth making; not only did we have fun in Birmingham, but we came back with new clothes (for Ronnie) and lots of potential new suppliers, a couple of whom were actual new suppliers by Wednesday. Wednesday we went out to pick up a few bits and pieces for the stall (I decided to wear New Rocks as we weren't gonna be long) and ended up wandering around for ages until I was crippled, again (bloody New Rocks always do that to me, clearly I'm supposed to stick to Converse). Thursday another "quick" trip ended up in hanging out at the pub with a mate for a couple of hours, and today we ended up in a different pub (whose name I don't recall, but after being put off by the outside of it for ages, I was surprised to discover that it's really nice inside), then looking at coloured contacts (for a friends birthday party *sigh*), and then finally went to see the Transformers movie on the big screen! It was, predictably, awesome, with all the gorgeous robot on robot action you could hope for, but I believe I've raved about it already (if not, point it out and I'll rave about it another time). I was immediately possessed with a need to go to Toys'R'Us and purchase Blackout, but wasn't allowed. And to be honest, if I was spending money in T'R'U it'd be on the Mace Windu Master Replica lightsaber they have in there, for a surprisingly reasonable sixty pounds...
What else has happened? The weather has been lovely all week and we haven't done anything like enough washing, poor little Archie has had to stay inside a lot while we've been gallivanting about, although he seems to be making up for it by sneaking out of the front door to roll around on the front path at every opportunity. Oh yeah, and today I got a response to my appeal from Diligenta! Apparently my points have some merit, and I've got a hearing on Monday. I'm both pleased and excited about this, but also apprehensive. I kinda feel like if I don't get the job back now, if I don't get satisfaction, it'll be my fault; that it's all there for me to lose. God knows why I think like that, I should be thinking I've got them on the ropes and it's mine to win back, but I immediately look to the negative and see that it's mine to throw away...
Even with all the goodness of this week, I still haven't been sleeping well, with unpleasantly restless and active dreams. I've taken advantage of the holiday thing to stay up essentially as long as it takes for me to just crash out (I frequently read until I fall asleep and drop my book), but it isn't making any difference: my sub-concious brain just won't let me rest!
