The Importance of Being Idle

Waste Of Paint

It's my Dad's sixty second birthday today, and talking to him this morning to wish him a happy birthday really made me question the path my life has taken.
When my Dad was the age I am now, I was already 12 years old, and my brother was 10. He had a house, a mortgage, a good job and a decent wage. Me? I don't seem to have achieved anything. Some of that is probably down to choice; I wouldn't describe myself as proactive or ambitious anywhere other than on a job application form, but the rest? I just don't know what the hell I seem to be doing with my life, and what's worse I don't seem to know how to make it any different.
When I was a kid I never thought about what sort of job I would have, but I always imagined that I'd somehow be making a difference to the world. To be honest I thought I'd be using my fabulous intellect and education to be solving the worlds problems, and that my opinion would be listened to and respected by people who made BIG decisions. Instead I'm sitting here, slacking and under-achieving to the point that I can barely affect change in my own life, and with an unidentifiable something wrong in my brain that stops me going out and spending time with my girlfriend for fear of what it'll do to me.
I've always had this unfulfilled urge to create inside me, some peculiar part of myself that needs to be expressed artistically, but which I have always repressed due to my total and utter lack of artistic talent. I'm starting to think though that talent isn't what's important. I'm starting to think that getting that artistic expression out of me no matter how childish, naive or just down-right pitiful it looks might be what's important. I think that maybe what's important might just be the act of expression itself, just trying.
Will I ever change? I doubt it. I seem to somehow always remain stubbornly myself, no matter how much I might dislike it. Maybe there are small changes, and perhaps they're adding up to something worthwhile over time, but right now I can't see them.
Oddly this post wasn't supposed to be all misery and self-pity, 'cos I've had a pretty good week. I've been as healthy as can be expected under the circumstances, had a decent week at work, and have received good assesments of my job performance. And somehow all that has turned into sadness. Weird eh?

posted by BadMonkey @ 3:31 PM