Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Stop! Emo Time!

Shaz got back from Druid Camp late on Sunday night, and for all that I'd been looking forward to seeing her she didn't seem to care one way or the other. It was a sad moment, although I don't know if she shared that sadness with me or if it was just another lonely moment.
My dizzy still isn't better (although I'm pleased to say it may be starting to get there, I sat up in bed this morning and didn't immediately feel like keeling over, which is progress for sure) so I haven't been to work this week and honestly don't expect I will be, which is less than ideal. God I think I might was well just {emo /on} and go ahead a have a fucking good whine! It's clearly one of those days when I have a lot of feeling sorry for myself going on, and that's always fucking delightful to read (and write!).
So, when I nipped out to the doctors today to get a repeat perscription for my much beloved meds, I spotted (and was not spotted by) one of the guys I'd started at Diligenta with and his now wife. And also his new born child. This is a guy in his mid-twenties whose life seems to be following the prescribed path for a life and it got me to wondering why it is that my life doesn't go like that, why I'm always struggling to keep going, to live anything at all resembling a life. Of course there's also the whole "what's so great about being normal anyway?" line of thought and I must admit that much as there's a part of me that would like to have a normal apparently disaster free life with a straightforward through line I'm just not sure I'm that guy. Sure the fantasy of wife and kids, a little semi and mortgage of our own all sounds good, but really, it's just a fantasy. Also in the fantasy I have a little study of my own, where I write and paint and game largely undisturbed by the trappings of my fantasy family. Makes me wonder why they're there to start with really. So maybe the problem isn't anything external, it's me! Well, that's not exactly a new thought is it? But how do I change myself? How do I take control of my life? What the hell does taking control of your life even mean? To me it always seems like living a life of independance, of freedom, where I answer only to myself and depend on no-one else for a living, but short of becoming the richest man in the world I'm not sure how you go about that (although as we speak I'm beginning to have an idea...)
I don't know, for some reason that little trip out to the doctors really got me kinda miserable. I'd had an oddly good nights sleep too (although I continue to be haunted by dreams of university! I mean come ON it was almost half a lifetime ago; I did what I did and that's that, it's no use giving me the guilt parade and wondering what would've happened if I tried harder (or at all! ha!), that time is SO very far behind us and I can't understand why it still haunts my dreams. Okay, so that wasn't the good part of the dream, there was other stuff about exploring a new (and entirely imaginary) city, as well as moving into my new apartment on the rougher side of town (full of such wonderful detail as only lives in dreams, like my front door being made of card-board and opening directly into a convenience store) and some odd puzzle solving that made me happy. I don't know, it was somehow a good nights sleep, and when I sat up this morning it didn't make me dizzy! So maybe things are starting to improve a little.
{emo /off}

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