The Importance of Being Idle

Black Christmas

Saturday night Ronnie finished work early, which was nice. She went out clubbing for a while (ie until 4am!), and obviously I couldn't go. That really upset me. I know she wanted me to be able to go too, but we both knew full well that was completely impossible, which I found very upsetting. That sort of festered in my head until I ended at the idea that somehow to have a good time she had to leave me behind. Still, she had a good night, and seems much the happier for it, so that was good.
Yesterday we went to Lincoln for the afternoon. Allegedly we went for some Christmas shopping, but we didn't really get a lot done, just sort of wandered about a bit and then (it being Sunday) all the shops closed and we had to come home again! It was nice to see Lincoln again, it's still my favourite of all the place I've ever lived (in terms of the city, rather than the actual happiness quotient of the living situation, 'cos the living situation of the time was hell on earth!), and I'd love for us to end up living there someday. We also found a cool chocolate shop on the way there, in the middle of this little village with exactly fuck all else in it (well there was an emo kid sitting on a bench, but other than that, nothing). We naturally had to stop and sample their wares, and very good they were too, especially the lemon mousse chocolates!
Today my boss from work came over, to see how I was doing and see if there was anything they could do to make it easier for me to return to work. I suppose there is also an element of checking up on me, although Kay is a manager not a doctor, so that element would be very slim indeed. It was a pretty good visit overall, although until we know what's wrong with me then it's not gonna get treated, and I won't be back at work anytime soon (Kay even said that the end of January was a sort of fingers crossed and hope for the best kinda time). Still it's nice to know that they want to make it as easy as possible for me to get back to work when the time comes. Something I'd also forgotten was that my work offers a free and confidential counselling service, which might be something I want to take advantage of, it's certainly becoming apparent over the past few days that I'm starting to fall apart psychologically what with this illness lingering and the restrictions that it places on my life.
I was thinking earlier that this wasn't how I wanted our first Christmas together to be, when it occured to me that no matter how unlikely, there may actually be something seriously wrong with me and that our first Christmas together may in fact be my last Christmas.
I don't say this to be melodramatic or seek sympathy or whatever, and to be honest I really really doubt it, (I've always maintained the feeling that I would KNOW, through some undisclosed mechanism, if there was actually something wrong with my brain), but I think it might be something I should at least acknowledge in passing, if not actually deal with in any rational way. I will say this: oddly enough it doesn't frighten me as much as I'd always assumed it would, I just feel saddened by everything and everyone I'd be leaving, 'cos I was finally starting to like it here!
Oh look at the time, it's well past time for Archie's dinner! I better get going before my lord and master get's grumpy!

posted by BadMonkey @ 5:54 PM