Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers
So last night I was watching this programme about architecture, and it got me really wanting to go visit Chicago. Which is a pretty odd result, I think you'll agree. To be fair the programme was about the rise (pun intended) of the sky-scraper and whilst it mainly covered New York (which contains one of my favourites in the Chrysler Building - I think the Empire State is actually pretty boxy and dull) it also had a little section on Chicago architecture and it really made me want to see that city. It looks really cool and very interesting.For that to have even the slightest chance of happening though I need to sort my life out. That's gonna be a challenge, it feels like everything is such a mess right now. For some reason I am almost paralysed into in-activity, and I can't quite figure out why. I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday (yeah I know, my days are taking on a disturbing shape aren't they?) and there was someone else on there who was feeling much the same as I am right now. Phil's insight was interesting; that you deliberately leave things in a state of crisis because you like things being out of control, because once things are in control you're not needed anymore. I'm still thinking it over, seeing if there is anything in there I can make use of. I know I've got to make some pretty fundamental changes in my behaviour though, cos I don't like this anymore, I just don't know how to change it. I know I'm afraid of something, but what I can't imagine. Failure? Bah, I've already failed in almost every way imaginable and it doesn't kill you, although there is a possibility it trains you to expect failure. So what do I do? I need to learn to think more positively about things, to think more positively about myself, 'cos really thinking is what its all about. I'm so close to typing something cynical and sabotaging here that it is unbelievable! As I believe I've said on many occasions before, I'd try positive thinking but I'm just not sure it would work...
Not quite sure how I got there from tall buildings. Actually there kinda is a link in there if you think about it. I became fascinated by architecture and buildings when I went to a building museum (yes, that's what I said, a building museum) on a school trip when I was about ten. I wanted to be an architect sooooooo bad, but somehow I consistently convinced myself all through my academic career that it was beyond my abilities, which was complete crap looking back at it. Yet it seems to have a set a pattern of low expectations for my life which inexorably led me to were I am now. That's pretty sad when you think about it, that I managed to sabotage myself when I was ten. Somethings gotta change, probably a lot of things.
Wow this post is a lot of miserable bullshit isn't it? Its impossible to even tell how much of this is true, and how much of it is simply what I perceive to be true at this moment. Of course it doesn't actually matter how I got here, what matters is that I am here and now I need to figure out how to get out!
To infinity, and beyond!
posted by BadMonkey @ 2:06 PM
1 Comments:
i can tell you one thing: steaming vegetables makes you feel really good about yourself. a) it's a valid cooking activity (unlike popping frozen things in the oven or pouring a bowl of cereal) and b) it means you're eating super healthy things (which makes you phsyically happy as well)
also i finally dragged myself to the pool today ne i think that's the third time i told you that...but anyhow i went even tho it was easier and safer (no way i can embarrass myself sitting in my room) to stay home. i feel uber good now! sometimes you just have to force yourself into action that's what i learned. you should remember that and tell me it when i have to sit down and write those 12 pages...(yeah minimum is good lol)
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