I Want You To Hit Me As Hard As You Can
It has been suggested by those close to me that I am a miserable, self-defeating, cowardly bastard.I know I can be sad, and I know I tend to err on the side of the pessimistic rather than the optimistic, but I'd never seen myself in those terms before. I always thought I hid my Eeyore like tendencies to the dark side under a veil of self-deprecating humour, and if I am self-defeating, giving up on myself before I start, well I've had twenty years experience of life defeating me and I prefer to get the disappointment over straight away and save myself a bit of pain.
I'm sure I once believed that all things were possible, in fact I'm sure I not only thought that, I was certain of my place in a bright and meaningful world. Much like Jerome Morrow in the wonderful Gattaca, I was certain I would cruise to my rightful place in the world without too much effort, and like Jerome my innate qualities weren't enough. I had no dream, no drive, no ambition, and so whilst the place I've achieved is nothing like I imagined it would be, it is hard to argue that it isn't the place my youthful arrogance deserved. That I'm still stuck there, stuck here, now, that's harder to swallow. Somehow I've never got over that initial fall from grace, never got over myself I suppose, and I just don't know how.
These days although I work hard, and don't play enough, instead of things I dream for the future, there's a list in my head entitled Things I Will Never Have. It's quite an extensive list. I wonder when exactly any hope I had for the future died, when I gave up on my life meaning anything. Even approaching forty I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I've got less than half of it left now! I can't keep using the "I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up" joke, can I? All I am now is a consumer, and one who's smart enough to know that's all I am but not smart enough to work out how to stop, how to escape that trap and life a live of value, even if only to me.
So maybe they're right, maybe I am a miserable self-defeating bastard. However, not only does pointing that out not help me not to be, in a strange way, it almost gives me something else to whine about, some extra motive power for my dissatisfaction, like new wind blowing into the sails of my failure and discontent.
So, hit me as hard as you can; I'm the one who knows the places it really hurts.
posted by BadMonkey @ 8:45 PM
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