The Importance of Being Idle

I Know Crazy And I Will Use It

The last week or so has been very strange.
Not in a "huh, I wasn't expecting to find a camel there" sort of way, but in a way that makes me wonder if my mind is unravelling.
It starts with the dreams, or at least that's where I think it starts, and as we have to start somewhere we'll start there. You see I'm not sleeping properly, at all. Just little bursts of sleep, maybe an hour here, an hour there. And I have very disturbed and disturbing dreams (there's the prison dream, where I'm awaiting my own execution, and the cannibal dream which would actually make a really good horror film just not when it's in my head, and most recently the who am I when I wake up dream. This one is particularly odd because in it I wake up and I'm literally a different person every time, which might be potentially cool, except in the dream I decide that as I don't have to stick around for the consequences of my actions 'cos I'll be off being somebody else next time I wake up, I do some utterly sickening things) and then I wake up in the morning, and because I largely have no one to talk to all day, I just sit and brood about these dreams and worry what they mean and what they say about me and then I just start to get afraid of myself and then it's even harder to go outside 'cos I'm worried about my mental state and what I might say or do (I've noticed that my "humour" is getting barbed to the point of cruelty lately, and I don't know why! I'm not trying to be horrible, I'm just trying to join in and be me, but it always seems to come out wrong). And then I don't really sleep the next night and so on and so on. My latest and most utterly bizarre worry is that my waking and dreaming life are slipping into one another and sort of melting together, and how will I be able to tell what's the real world and what isn't? That is the sort of worry that only strikes me late at night when I'm not sleeping, or more precisely when I'm drifting in and out of sleep, and it seems ridiculous now but at 2am it is a concern which is all too real. I'm sure there are other things which worry me, but these are the only ones I can think of right now, which is probably a blessing.
Outside of my insanity however, it's been a pretty good week. Jobs have been applied for, I've given up pizzas (although who knows how long such a thing can last), and the stall did really well both on Thursday and on Saturday. Thursday was tiring, but fun, and I think we're doing it again next week. Sunday we went to London Edge, the big alternative/goth fashion show, and that was really useful too. We got to chat to lots of suppliers, which was good, especially the ones that we've totally and utterly failed to track down on the internet. This should lead to yet another increase in our range shortly (hopefully including boots!) which will be good. In fact I was looking back at pics of when we started the stall today and I'm amazed at how much more stuff we have now than we did when we started.
And finally, we're in September, month of birthdays. I don't know how I feel about my birthday yet, it's just over four weeks away, but if things carry on like this then I don't think I'll be feeling anything good. On the plus side, it will for one day only be my birthday, and on that day I can't be made to go and socialise with people against my will, which will be a gift in and of itself. Not that I really dislike our friends (although to be honest I think of them as Sharon's friends), I just want... hell I don't know what it is that I want. I was gonna say I just want to be left alone, but I don't even know if that's true given the turmoil in my mind. I suppose what I want is some peace and quiet, and people or persons I can actually talk to about serious stuff, rather than the constant low level irritation of name calling and stupidity that seems to pass for conversation these days.
I sound like a grumpy bastard don't I?

posted by BadMonkey @ 7:35 PM